For most of my life, I found myself in unhealthy relationships. Most of these relationships did not escalate to the level of extreme domestic violence although some got pretty bad, not that I am here to compare severity of traumas. Anyway, for the most part, they were unhealthy in the way that many people probably experience without even realizing that such relationships are unhealthy.
Namely, I was in any given relationship because I wanted to be loved. I wanted the flowers. I wanted romance. I wanted to be provided for. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel cared for. I wanted someone to think of me. I loved receiving the gifts of time and care, and also material gifts. If that sounds healthy to you, you might be missing the point of being in a relationship.
Being in a relationship is not about what the other person can do for me. It is about learning to love someone for who they are. In my marriage, when it is healthiest and at its best, it is when Kevin and I are both showing up trying to learn how to love better. From my perspective, it is when I am trying to love Kevin best, be of service to Kevin, show him care, and show him honor and respect. From his perspective the same is true. The point isn't the receiving, the point is the giving, and the point is that I love him because of who he is. I married Kevin because of who he is, not because of what he can do for me.
In the past, I was dating people because of what they could do for me. I was not dating people because of who they were. Let that sink in. When I am in a healthy relationship, I am in a relationship not because of what the other person can do for me, but just because of who they are. I love them because of who they are. I love them because of their loving heart, their personality, and their quirks. I don’t love them because of anything they do for me.
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