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Writer's pictureLisa Auster-Gussman

The Spirituality of Abuse Cycles

I was driving back from Dallas, Texas in the car with my husband when we got a call about someone close to us, we’ll call him Tom. He lives in a group home. The house manager called to let us know that he had not been home in a few days nor taken any of his diabetes medication. Per state funding, Tom has to be home every 24 hours, or it has to be reported by the house to his caseworker.


So, if he keeps up this behavior, besides it being a risk to his health to forgo his diabetes medications, it is also a risk to his housing. If he is gone for more than 24 hours enough times, he can lose his services, one of which is housing, potentially rendering him homeless.

The solution appears simple. Tom just needs to come home for a few hours every 24 hours. He needs to take his medications. There is also staff at the house that would help him to get a job, but he will lose his job-seeking assistance services if he does not respond to emails, which he tends not to do when he isn’t home. All he has to do is come home and check off a few tasks. So, why doesn’t he?


Let me introduce you to his abuse cycle with a woman named Tina. Tom and Tina have been dating on and off for a few years. In the beginning of the relationship, the time from getting together to breaking up was months. Then it was weeks. Now it’s a few days. They are deep in an abuse cycle. With most abuse cycles, the cycles shorten over time.



As my husband and I were driving down the road discussing Tom’s situation, I kept saying that it is just baffling that he can’t just wake up and see reality. As the cycle tightens, his dishonesty with his family has also increased. He claims all is well. He claims he comes home daily. He claims he needs money for things he doesn’t need money for and then uses the money to Uber to Tina’s house.


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